Divorcing a narcissistic partner can be an emotionally challenging and complex journey. Hence it requires a strong strategic plan, one that anticipates the narcissist's likely moves and counteracts them effectively. This guide offers an in-depth exploration of understanding narcissism in the context of divorce and recognising the characteristics of a narcissist in a divorce.
Understanding Narcissism in the Context of Divorce
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental condition typified by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a desperate need for constant admiration, and a distinct lack of empathy. People with NPD, known as narcissists, often have troubled relationships, as they cannot comprehend or appreciate their partners' needs. When narcissists find themselves in the challenging terrain of divorce, their narcissistic traits can amplify the conflict and intricacies of the proceedings, making an already strenuous process even more challenging.
1. Distorted Self-Image
Inherent in the narcissistic personality is a distorted self-image that oscillates between extreme grandiosity and debilitating self-doubt. This self-perception is often far from reality and functions as a protective mechanism against deep-seated feelings of inferiority. In a divorce situation, this distorted self-image often translates into an inability to accept responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. Instead, the narcissist clings to their inflated self-view and positions themselves as the wronged party, deftly shifting blame onto their spouse.
2. Sense of Entitlement
Furthermore, narcissists have a profound sense of entitlement, believing that they deserve special treatment and that the usual rules or social norms do not apply to them. This can manifest in various ways during divorce proceedings, from refusing to comply with court orders to making excessive demands during settlement negotiations. This sense of entitlement often stems from their belief that their needs, desires, and opinions are inherently more important than those of others.
3. Manipulation
Manipulation is another hallmark of narcissism. Narcissists are adept at exploiting others' vulnerabilities and emotions to serve their own interests. They are skilled at controlling narratives and can be highly persuasive, often convincing others of their version of events. In the context of divorce, this manipulation can take on many forms. They might distort facts, minimise their own culpability, exaggerate their spouse's faults, or play the victim to elicit sympathy and support.
4. Lack of Empathy
Narcissists are often characterised by a lack of empathy i.e. ability to understand and share the feelings of others. This deficiency can lead to significant emotional harm for their spouse, as the narcissist cannot appreciate their perspective or feelings which often leads to a non-narcissist spouse feeling confused, lost and depressed. In a divorce scenario, this lack of empathy can further fuel conflict and impede the resolution of issues as a narcissist is unable to step outside of their own needs and consider the interests of their spouse or children. When the narcissist partner is the financial provider, this often leads to financial and economic abuse.
To learn more about the lack of empathy in a narcissist, click here.
In the challenging landscape of divorce, these narcissistic traits—distorted self-image, sense of entitlement, manipulative tactics, and lack of empathy—can create a volatile environment, filled with emotional upheaval and protracted conflict. The narcissist's incessant need to control narratives, avoid blame, and maintain their inflated self-perception often leads to a turbulent divorce process, marked by high conflict, manipulation, and a stark disregard for the emotional well-being of the other party.
Therefore, when divorcing a narcissist, it is crucial for you and your lawyer to understand these traits, anticipate potential challenges, and adopt different strategies to protect yourself legally, financially, and emotionally.
Recognising the Characteristics of a Narcissist in a Divorce Scenario
In my extensive legal career, specialising in matrimonial and family law, I have dealt with a multitude of divorces involving individuals, who may happen to be my client, with narcissistic tendencies. My pursuit of psychotherapy has allowed me to deepen my comprehension of narcissistic traits, equipping me with different skills and knowledge in handling and navigating narcissist divorce.
To effectively navigate through the complexities of divorcing a narcissistic spouse, it is crucial to discern their behavioural patterns and anticipate the legal and emotional challenges that may ensue. Below are the common characteristics frequently exhibited by narcissists throughout the course of divorce proceedings:-
Relentless Manipulation
One of the primary weapons in a narcissist's arsenal is manipulation. They are adept at twisting facts, shifting blame, and employing gaslighting techniques to sow doubt and confusion. Gaslighting involves the systematic undermining of another person's reality by denying facts, their experiences, or their feelings. In a divorce setting, this could manifest as the narcissist denying incidents of abuse or laying the blame for their actions on the other spouse.
Narcissists also employ a tactic known as "projection," wherein they deflect their own negative behaviours or feelings onto their partner. For example, they might accuse their spouse of being manipulative or unfaithful when, in fact, they are the ones guilty of such behaviour.
Relishing in Conflict and Prolonged Litigation
Narcissistic individuals derive satisfaction from conflict and the power to control their spouse in such situations. Hence during a divorce proceeding, they frequently exploit the legal system as a means to exert control, deliberately extending litigation proceedings through a barrage of filings, objections, and postponements. This aggressive and exhaustive strategy, known as the "scorched earth" approach, can have profound emotional and financial repercussions on the non-narcissistic spouse, leaving them feeling emotionally drained and financially burdened. However, by implementing a well-crafted and strategic plan in your divorce, it is possible to navigate effectively through this challenging landscape and mitigate the impact of the narcissist's tactics.
Financial Control
I have seen firsthand how a narcissistic spouse can attempt to manipulate the financial aspect during a divorce. They often view money as a tool for control and leverage and they use it to maintain their power and assert their dominance over their spouse even during the marriage.
It's a widespread misconception that this scenario primarily emerges when the narcissistic spouse is the male partner, or the spouse who contributes the sole or substantial proportion of the family income. Regrettably, in my legal practice, I have encountered a broad spectrum of cases that defy these traditional stereotypes:-
Husband with a lower income
I have dealt with situations where the husband despite earning a lesser income, exercises manipulative tactics to exert financial control. A common strategy I've observed is the husband directing the wife to deposit all her earnings into a 'joint account' on the basis that he controls finances better than her. In reality, this 'joint account' is often accessed and controlled by the husband solely, and he dictates how the fund is spent, which includes financing his car which he could not afford with his salary, paying for his expensive taste in clothes and shoes. Meanwhile, the wife finds herself in a position where she can only spend a minuscule fraction of her own income on basic necessities like food. She is compelled to continue driving an outdated vehicle and finds herself having to seek her husband's permission for even the most minimal purchases.
Stay-at-home wife
common situations where the wife, a homemaker, exerts full control over the husband's income. This scenario often unfolds in a manner where she manages all aspects of the family's finances, from budgeting and expense tracking to investment decisions and long-term financial planning. This arrangement might initially stem from a mutual decision, underpinned by the belief that it would be beneficial for one spouse to have an overview of the family's financial health, especially if the other spouse is fully occupied with work commitments. However, this arrangement has evolved and is used as a tool for control and manipulation. The wife often dictates how much can be spent, on what, and when. She may limit the husband's personal spending or require him to seek permission for any expenditure outside of agreed-upon budgets. However, this standard does not apply to her. She may regularly indulge in extravagant purchases, far exceeding the limits she imposes on her spouse. When confronted about such spending disparities, she often employs manipulative tactics to deflect responsibility and maintain control. One such tactic involves guilt-tripping the husband, making him feel as though he is the one being unreasonable or unfair in questioning her spending. She might bring up sacrifices she has made or responsibilities she has taken on as a homemaker, using these as justification for her extravagant spending. In other instances, she may use victim projection, portraying herself as the aggrieved party. She might suggest that questioning her spending amounts to controlling her or not valuing her contributions to the family. By doing so, she deflects attention away from the unequal financial dynamics and maintains her control over the family's finances.
These experiences underscore the fact that narcissistic behaviour and the consequent manipulation of financial resources are not confined to any specific gender or income bracket. It is a manifestation of the narcissistic personality's inherent need for control and dominance, and it can manifest in any relationship, regardless of the traditional roles or financial structures in place.
In a divorce, it is often to see a narcissistic spouse engage in financial control by evading their financial obligation towards the spouse and children, such as delay payments i.e. education, utilities, and maintenance fee, causing disruption and inconvenience to their spouse and children. They view these obligations not as a responsibility towards their spouse or children, but as a loss of their own resources that needs to be minimised or even with the mentality that they deserved to be punished as they decided to leave him.
However, it's important to note that these financial control tactics can be effectively countered with the right legal strategy at the earliest point in time.
Economic Abuse
Economic abuse frequently manifests as a deliberate tactic employed by narcissists, extending its insidious influence into the realm of divorce proceedings. Such individuals may resort to concealing assets, manipulating financial figures, depleting joint funds, running up credit cards, or engaging in other forms of financial manipulation in a calculated effort to gain an unfair advantage and undermine the claims of the other spouse.
One common strategy is withholding financial information. Unfortunately, many spouses are being deprived of their advantage and legal rights as they have not exercised their rights to compel their spouse to reveal financial information during a divorce proceeding.
Narcissists may refuse to disclose their income, assets, debts, or expenses fully. They might downplay their earning capacity, overstate their debts, or fail to disclose certain assets. By doing so, they create an information asymmetry, which can obstruct fair negotiation and equitable division of assets.
Conclusion
In light of these distressing practices, it becomes paramount for your divorce lawyer to possess the foresight and strategic acumen necessary to anticipate and effectively counteract such manoeuvres. By entrusting your legal representation to a skilled professional who understands the complexities of divorcing a narcissistic spouse, you can secure the protection and justice you and your children deserve throughout the divorce process.
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About the Author of Decoding the Narcissist's Playbook: Navigating Divorce in the Shadow of Narcissism
Dato' Fion Wong is the founder of Fion Wong a law firm in Malaysia specialising in Matrimonial & Family Law. She is a licensed master practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) established as the original, official certifying body in the field of NLP by NLP Co-Developers, Richard Bandler and John Grinder. She is also pursuing psychotherapy to bring a unique and resourceful perspective to family law. Dato' Fion Wong is also an esteemed author, having published a highly regarded reference on family law (Handbook on Family Law Practice in Malaysia: Commentary, Procedures & Forms) referred to by fellow family law practitioners and judges and other influential publications that are widely recognised.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. The content is based on the author's understanding and interpretation of the subject matter at the time of writing. Laws and regulations regarding divorce may vary depending on the jurisdiction and individual circumstances. Readers are advised to consult with a qualified legal and medical professional or seek appropriate professional advice before making any legal decisions or taking action based on the information provided in this article. The author and the publisher disclaim any liability for any loss or damage incurred by readers as a result of their reliance on the information contained herein.
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