Introduction
It's a common misconception that divorce in itself is the primary cause of emotional distress in children. However, it's important to clarify that it's not the divorce per se, but rather the parents' actions and behaviours amidst the separation that significantly impact the children's wellbeing. One such detrimental behaviour is parental alienation, which seems not harmful but in fact is a form of emotional child abuse. Parental alienation is a common phenomenon that causes distress in countless families navigating divorce and custody disputes.
Understanding Parental Alienation
Parental alienation can be succinctly defined as the process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent due to the psychological manipulation of the other parent. This predicament frequently surfaces during divorce proceedings and custody disputes, further adding to the strain and difficulty of an already tumultuous situation.
The term 'parental alienation' first came to the fore in 1985, thanks to psychiatrist Richard A. Gardner who saw parental alienation as a serious issue that affects children deeply. His work served as a powerful tool to identify and understand a damaging pattern affecting children caught in the crossfire of parental conflict. He described it as a process where a child becomes distant from one parent because of psychological manipulation by the other parent. A child who has been subjected to parental alienation has the unjustified rejection of one parent (the 'alienated' parent) due to psychological manipulation by the other parent (the 'alienating' parent).
Recognising Parental Alienation
Gardner noted that parental alienation often occurs when a parent, either consciously or subconsciously, influences the child against the other parent. Parental alienation is not a spontaneous development but a gradual process. Over time, these actions can lead to the child developing a skewed perception of the alienated parent, resulting in a strong bias and emotional rejection.
Understanding the signs of parental alienation is critical in identifying and addressing this issue promptly.
1. A Sudden Shift in a Child's Behaviour Towards a Parent
A key indicator of parental alienation is a sudden, unexplained alteration in a child's behaviour towards one parent. Typically, children show a range of emotions towards their parents, oscillating between love, frustration, joy, and occasional annoyance. However, in instances of parental alienation, the child's emotions towards the alienated parent dramatically shift towards the negative end of this spectrum, without a discernible cause.
This change can manifest in various ways. The child may begin to act coldly, becoming increasingly dismissive or indifferent towards the alienated parent. They might start avoiding interactions, making minimal eye contact, or giving curt, non-engaging responses to the parent's attempts at communication.
In some instances, the child's behaviour escalates to open hostility. They may openly defy the alienated parent, showing overt disrespect or engaging in aggressive behaviour. This hostility often appears unprovoked and can be shocking given the child's previous conduct.
What makes this change significant and concerning is its lack of valid reasons. Children, like adults, may have periods of frustration or anger with their parents. These are typically triggered by specific incidents or disagreements and are usually resolved over time. In parental alienation, however, the negative behaviour persists even in the absence of such triggers. The alienating parent may encourage the child's unfounded resentment, reinforcing the negative behaviour.
2. Absolute Siding with One Parent
A hallmark of parental alienation is the child's absolute siding with one parent, commonly referred to as the alienating parent. This pattern of behaviour presents itself as an unshakeable loyalty towards the alienating parent, often bordering on the irrational. It is not merely about preferring one parent over the other, which is a natural part of child development. Rather, it is about an unwavering, dogmatic alignment with the alienating parent that goes beyond the typical parent-child bond.
In such cases, the child may side with the alienating parent in all disagreements, big or small, disregarding context or rationale. They may consistently blame the alienated parent for all problems or failures, even when the evidence suggests otherwise. This behaviour is typically black-and-white, leaving no room for balanced judgment or understanding the other parent's perspective.
An essential feature of this loyalty is its forced or exaggerated nature. It may seem as though the child is performing a script or playing a role that doesn't fit their age or character. This unusual intensity and lack of nuance may suggest external influence rather than the child's natural feelings, indicating possible parental alienation.
3. Persistent Criticism of the Alienated Parent
An alienated child may persistently criticise the alienated parent, focusing on minor flaws or mistakes. This criticism often lacks proportion and may extend to trivial or irrelevant issues. The child may also tend to exaggerate or fabricate faults in the alienated parent while ignoring or minimising their positive traits.
4. Lack of Guilt for Mistreating the Alienated Parent
Another indicator of parental alienation is the child's lack of guilt or remorse for mistreating the alienated parent. They may seem indifferent to the parent's feelings, showing no regret for harsh words or unkind actions. This lack of empathy can be a red flag for parental alienation.
5. Parroting the Alienating Parent's Accusations
Children subjected to parental alienation may echo the alienating parent's criticisms and accusations, often word for word. This "parroting" indicates that the child's perceptions are likely not their own but have been influenced by the alienating parent.
6. Rejecting Extended Family
In cases of parental alienation, the rejection often extends beyond the parent to the parent's extended family. The child may suddenly refuse to engage with grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins related to the alienated parent without valid reasons.
7. The Child's Views Are All-or-Nothing
A child under the influence of parental alienation may depict one parent as the epitome of evil and the other as a paragon of virtue. This all-or-nothing perception lacks the understanding that all humans, including parents, have both strengths and flaws.
8. The Child Expresses Unfounded Fear of the Alienated Parent
In some severe cases, the child may express an unfounded fear or discomfort around the alienated parent. If there's no history of abuse or neglect, such fear can indicate manipulation by the alienating parent.
Recognising these signs is the first step in addressing parental alienation. If you notice these behaviours in a child, it's crucial to act promptly. Seek the help of a professional, such as a child psychologist or a family lawyer, who is experienced in dealing with parental alienation. Early intervention can prevent further harm to the child's emotional well-being and help repair the damaged parent-child relationship.
Negative Effects of Parental Alienation on Children
Recognising and understanding the negative effects of parental alienation on children is crucial not just for parents navigating through a divorce, but also for professionals involved in these complex situations such as lawyers, and judges in the family court. By shining a spotlight on these invisible wounds, we can better address the issue and support children through this painful ordeal.
1. Emotional Distress
One of the immediate impacts of parental alienation is emotional distress. Children are not equipped to process the intense emotions that come with being caught in a tug-of-war between their parents. Feelings of confusion, guilt, and fear can dominate, as they struggle to reconcile their love for both parents with the unfavourable image being painted of the alienated parent.
2. Distorted Perceptions and Beliefs
Parental alienation often involves a systematic campaign to malign the alienated parent. Over time, this can distort the child's perceptions and beliefs. Children may begin to internalise the negative image of the alienated parent, leading to unjustified resentment and hostility. This distortion can significantly impact their relationship with the alienated parent, often causing lasting damage.
3. Impaired Self-Esteem and Identity Development
The alienating parent's ongoing criticism of the other parent can lead to lowered self-esteem in children. They may start to question their self-worth, as they grapple with the perceived inadequacies of the alienated parent, a part of their own identity. This crisis can hinder their overall identity development, leading to difficulties in forming a stable self-image.
4. Difficulty with Relationships
Children experiencing parental alienation often have trouble forming and maintaining healthy relationships later in life. The learned behaviour of unjustified rejection and the lack of trust instilled by the alienating parent can be carried forward into their adult relationships. This can manifest in various ways, from difficulties in trust to the fear of commitment and rejection.
5. Mental Health Issues
The long-term impacts of parental alienation can extend to significant mental health issues. Studies have shown a correlation between parental alienation and conditions like anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These issues, if unaddressed, can extend into adulthood, causing considerable distress and challenges.
6. Development of 'Splitting' Defence Mechanism
In psychology, 'splitting' is a defence mechanism where a person fails to see others as complex individuals with both good and bad qualities. Children subjected to parental alienation may develop this coping mechanism, viewing one parent as all good (the alienating parent) and the other as all bad (the alienated parent). This black-and-white thinking can negatively impact their ability to form balanced, nuanced views of people and situations in the future.
7. Parentification and Role Reversal
In some cases, parental alienation can lead to parentification, where the child is expected to fulfil the emotional or practical roles of a parent. The alienating parent may rely on the child for emotional support, which can lead to role reversal. This inappropriate burden can hamper the child's own emotional growth and development.
8. Feelings of Regret and Reconciliation Difficulties
In adulthood, when the child recognises the reality of parental alienation, they may struggle with feelings of regret for the lost relationship with the alienated parent. However, reconciliation can be difficult, with the child grappling with years of manipulated perceptions and missed experiences.
Conclusion
In conclusion, parental alienation is a disturbing fallout of family conflict that causes significant harm to the child which adversely impact the child's wellbeing and the alienated parent. By understanding and recognizing its signs, we can intervene effectively, ensuring the child's emotional health and maintaining their relationship with both parents. We must strive to protect children from becoming collateral damage in parental disputes and preserve their right to love and be loved by both parents.
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About the Author
Dato' Fion Wong is the founder of Fion Wong a law firm in Malaysia specialising in Matrimonial & Family Law. She is a licensed master practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) established as the original, official certifying body in the field of NLP by NLP Co-Developers, Richard Bandler and John Grinder. She is also pursuing psychotherapy to bring a unique and resourceful perspective to family law. Dato' Fion Wong is also an esteemed author, having published a highly regarded reference on family law (Handbook on Family Law Practice in Malaysia: Commentary, Procedures & Forms) referred to by fellow family law practitioners and judges and other influential publications that are widely recognised.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. The content is based on the author's understanding and interpretation of the subject matter at the time of writing. Laws and regulations regarding divorce may vary depending on the jurisdiction and individual circumstances. Readers are advised to consult with a qualified legal and medical professional or seek appropriate professional advice before making any legal decisions or taking action based on the information provided in this article. The author and the publisher disclaim any liability for any loss or damage incurred by readers as a result of their reliance on the information contained herein.
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